


I loved and I loved and I lost you (And it hurts like hell)

by Nikka001



Series: Stronger Together - A Collection of Jimon One-Shots [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt Simon Lewis, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 11:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14283813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/pseuds/Nikka001
Summary: He closed his eyes tight and wished for it all to be just a dream. He opened them slowly and the sight he saw made his heart shatter into a million pieces.





	I loved and I loved and I lost you (And it hurts like hell)

Jace froze in place, his grip loosening on the can of spray paint in his hand. The echo of the can hitting the tile floor sounded throughout the hallway as students slowly began to trickle out of classrooms. He could practically hear the air being sucked from the hall as students noticed the spectacle before them.

“Jace?” The voice was quiet and scared, but it was a voice that he knew all too well. A voice that made his heart soar with every syllable it spoke. Yet right now, that same voice made him want to disappear. He closed his eyes tight and wished for it all to be just a dream. He opened them slowly and the sight he saw made his heart shatter into a million pieces. Simon stood just inches from him, tears welling in his eyes as he stared at the words that covered his locker. Jace could see the words making their mark on Simon’s skin. The tears fell down his porcelain skin, each drop making the moment more and more real.

“Simon, I-“

“Don’t. Just don’t.” The pain and coldness of Simon’s words were like daggers to Jaces heart. He never meant for any of this to happen. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Determined to explain his actions Jace took a step forward, but was gutted as Simon stepped back.

“Stay away from me.” Holding tight to his book bag, Simon pushed through the sea of students and out the front doors.

**~*~ ~*~**

“How could you do that to him?! He’s your best friend!” Clary’s shrill voice echoed throughout the small apartment, the disappointment and anger clear in her words.

“Yes Clary, I am aware of that. Although right now, I think we are far from best friends. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I’m sorry but, can you blame him?” At this Clary has ceased her pacing across the carpeted floor and was now stood in front of Jace, her arms crossed firmly across her chest. Jace refused to meet her glare, instead focusing his gaze on the picture of him and Simon that he had pinned to his bulletin board during their freshman year. Things were so much simpler back then. Back when all they had to worry about, was if they weren’t going to be in the same classes that year. He missed those days.

Subconsciously, Jace had begun to rub his right hand over his left forearm, his fingers cold against the scars that covered his skin. It had become almost like a calming mechanism for him, whether he knew it or not.

“You aren’t doing it again, are you?” Clary kept her voice low and soft, scared of startling him. Jace turned to her and shook his head as he pulled down his sleeve in an attempt to cover his wounds. Clary gave him a stern look, her eyes saying everything.

Jace sighed, “I tried to tell myself not to but...” With slight hesitation, Jace pushed up his left sleeve, revealing several fresh cuts along his arm, blood already seeming to have dried around some of the wounds. Clary dropped to the ground at Jace’s feet and gripped his arms tight in her hands.

“Jace, you promised me. You promised that you would stop. That you would get help. I thought - weren’t you getting help for this? I thought you were talking to someone.” Her voice was thick with emotion as tears welled up in her eyes.

“I was talking to someone. I was talking to Simon.” He broke. The wall that he tried hard to keep standing firm broke and everything came flooding out. His body was shaking as Clary held him tightly in her arms, afraid what might happen if she let him go.

**~*~ ~*~**

_“Oh my god! You’re in love with him, aren’t you!?” Jace groaned as his sister jumped up and down with excitement at the foot of his bed._

_“Izzy please-“_

_“I totally knew it. I told Alec but he already knew it too!”_

_Jace’s eyes went wide, “Wait. How many people have you talked to about my love life?!”_

_“Not that many. I promise. Just Alec. And Clary. Oh, and Magnus, Meliorn, Lydia, Raphael, and Maia.”_

_“IZZY!” Isabelle dropped to the floor as a small black throw pillow came hurdling towards her head with incredible precision. Regaining her composure, Isabelle blew her brother a kiss before ducking from the room laughing.  
_

**~*~ ~*~**

“Si...”

“Before you say anything, I don’t forgive you. Not yet at least. But, as much as I tried to deny it, we need to talk.” He wanted to run. Everything in his body was telling him to run. That it’d be easier than facing the truth. The only problem was that the boy he’d been in love with for most of his life was standing outside his apartment at 2:30 am. He looked scattered. Everything about his appearance told Jace that Simon had stayed up for hours debating on what to do. He’d always been like that. And honestly, that was one of the reasons Jace loved him. Nodding, Jace stepped back to let the younger boy in, locking the door behind them. Crossing the short distance to the couch, his feet shuffling across the carpet, Jace made himself comfortable, tucking one foot beneath him. The atmosphere dripped with unnerving silence as the two boys kept to themselves. Jace glanced up from playing with the hem of his sweatpants to watch Simon as he twisted his fingers together over and over like he always did when he was nervous. His mouth turned up at the ends just barely as he watched Simon fidget with his fingers. It was cute. Everything Simon did was cute.

“Can I ask you something?” Simon’s soft voice pulled Jace from his thoughts.

“Sure, I guess.”

“Were you ever really in love with me?” If Jace were standing, he’s sure his legs would’ve given out on him. His eyes went wide and his face suddenly felt hot.

“W-what?” He stammered out, his voice cracking just the slightest.

Sighing, Simon took a seat on the opposite end of the couch, still fiddling with his fingers and trying hard to make eye contact with Jace.

His voice was shaky as he spoke, “I overheard you and Izzy. It was after we’d gotten into that argument about your 16th birthday. I was so mad that you didn’t want to do anything to celebrate. I’d planned a whole day and you just told me to forget it. That you didn’t want anything. There was yelling. Lots of yelling. Eventually you went home and I sulked in my room for a good 30 minutes before I finally decided to go and apologize.”

Jaces stomach churned, “You came over?”

“Yep. I stopped by your place and Mrs. Lightwood answered the door. Said you were in your room moping but I was more than welcome to come inside. So I did. I was in the hall outside your room when I heard you and Izzy having an argument. I know it was wrong but, when I heard my name I couldn’t help it. I listened.”

“You what?” All Jace wanted in this moment was for the floor to open and swallow him up. He knew where this story ended. He remembered this day. So vividly.

Simon grimaced at the mere shock that played throughout Jaces voice.

“I know. I’m sorry. But, I couldn’t help it. I had to know why you guys were talking about me. Next thing I knew, you were ranting about how frustrated you had gotten with me and then Izzy started freaking out about how you were in love with me. I just barely made it back into the main room when Izzy came running out. I left before anyone else knew I was there.”

Finished recounting the past, Simon looked up to meet Jaces eyes but instead was met with what seemed to be just a shell of his friend. Jace sat stone cold on the couch, his eyes staring blankly ahead at the wall behind Simon. His face had gone pale and his knuckles were clenched tightly at his sides. Simon reached out and placed a kind hand on his knee, thankful when he didn’t flinch away. He waited a moment before Jace placed a hand atop his, curling his fingers tightly around Simons.

“I’m sorry. About what I did.” Jaces voice was small and dripping with so much fear and anxiety. His head dropped until his gaze was focused on the edge of the couch cushion. Simon gripped Jaces hand tighter, trying hard to ground him to something before he slipped to far back into his mind. Again.

Simon spoke, softly this time, “I just want to know why Jace. Why - - “

“I was gonna ask you to Prom.”

Simon froze. His heart was beating about a million miles an hour and it took everything in him to not burst out in excitement. Instead, he opted for a lopsided grin, “You were?”

Jace nodded, “I was in the process of getting it all set up when Rahj and Sebastian caught me. They saw me trying to open your locker and started asking me all these questions. I didn’t know what to do. I felt - I felt like I was 12 again. Like I was back with my father.”

“Jace.” Simon’s voice was stern. Full of anger. He’d heard the stories of what that bastard had done to Jace. Of all the awful things he had to endure at such a young age. He might not have known Mr. Morgenstern, but he sure as hell hated him almost as much as Jace.

“All those memories started flooding back and, I couldn’t control it. I lied. I told them that I was playing a joke. They wanted to play along. And well, you saw the end result.” Simon ducked his head at the mention of the incident. It had hurt when it first happened but, now that he knew the circumstances behind the situation, he wasn’t exactly sure how he felt. It all seemed so complicated now.

“Jace Herondale. I need you to listen very closely to me.” Jace glanced up at Simon through his lashes, hesitant to connect any further. Cupping Jaces face with his hands,Simon lifted his head so that their eyes were level, “No matter what happens. No matter how hard the days seem to get. I need you to know something. And I need you to remember it. I love you, Jace Herondale.”

Tears filled Simon’s eyes as he spoke.

“I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember and I will never stop. You are everything to me. You are my entire world and I never want you to have to feel that way ever again. As much as it hurt to see what you had done, I understand why it happened. And I forgive you. Do you hear that Jace? I forgive you and I love you.”  
With tear stained cheeks, Jace pressed his lips to Simons in a chaste kiss. It was slow and soft as they moved in unison. Pulling back, Jace rested his forehead against Simons, “I love you too.”


End file.
